My Mother for President

That's right, folks, I'm going to vote for my mom for president when the next elections come around. I'm convinced she could have this country whipped into shape AND have money left over.

Sorry for all the Democrats out there, but I've got a pretty darn good idea my mother is a very conservative Republican. Well, she's very conservative anyway. I think she would start the Frugal Party and her campaign slogan would be "You got a coupon for that?" None of this buying a hammer for $100 crap. If "he who is in charge of buying hammers" doesn't send someone over 65 to Menards on 10% off Senior Day WITH a coupon, they might as well start looking for another job.

I'd think she'd just flat out fire all the lawmakers. Then she would take applications from regular, normal everyday people who would serve their country in this capacity (and for probably 1/3rd the cost). Then hold elections from those qualified, in her eyes, applicants. The worse campaign slam you might hear is "We noticed Maryanne's laundry hanging out to dry wasn't quite as white as Suzie's". Well if Suzie is using name brand bleach without a coupon, and my mother finds out about it, her political days are over.

I'm sure she'd initiate zero based budgeting. You tell her how much money you need, for what purpose PLUS a very well detailed plan and she'll ask you how many coupons you've got or how many bids you've received. None of this "President, I need 10 zillion dollars to study worms" and the pres, says OK, and puts it in the budget. Ain't happening. Better yet, YOU spend your OWN $$ on it and she'll reimburse you for what SHE feels was necessary. Positive most stuff will get axed. I'm sure she will hire David Spade from the Capital One commercial. Mom: Dave? Dave: No! If you don't have the money, you don't buy it. If you want it bad enough, go get a job..or two and hold a bake sale and wash someone's car.

Don't get her started on births out of wedlock. Or most versions\levels of public aid. Repeat criminal offenders and child beaters\sex offenders would only be seeing barbed wire. Drug dealers, suspected drug dealers, users. Bye Bye. The Tony Montanas of the world better start looking for a new pension plan. If you are a contractor and do a lousy job..OUCH! And doing anything while driving. You don't take care of\keep up your property, you're on her hit list. I'm sure there will be a law instated that will make it illegal to have a messy household (which means I'll have a rap sheet a mile long). The punishment for telemarketers calling "over the dinner hour" will be severe. Unless it's as squeaky clean as "Little House on the Prairie", it won't be on regular TV before 9PM, which is national bedtime for anyone in grade, junior or high school...unless you are in high school and you're at work. She finds out you weren't in bed FOR SLEEPING PURPOSES by 9 PM, she'll give you a reason to be up late...extra homework and housecleaning projects. And there will be one DECENT thing on every restaurant menu: her meatloaf. Any cook, chef, owner, etc. that varies the recipe and she finds out about it, there is gonna be a public spanking right over the hood of the presidential Metro. That's right, a 1993 Metro (Ok, I'm kidding about that one - the meatloaf that is, not the Metro).

I'm sure spankings would make a HUGE comeback in this country. Every household would receive a free spanking stick , just like she used to use and autographed by mom. "Spare the rod, spoil the child". I can ensure you, it works. Now the spanking stick can only be used on the buttocks...nowhere else. Anyone found using them inappropriately, well, Tim (from my previous blog concerning loud rude people in restaurants on my other blogsite) is gonna be busy rounding up those offenders and holdin' down while mom demosnstrates upon them (many times over) the PROPER usage\method of said spanking device....plus a few weeks in Menard to let the sting go away.

Prayer in school. Mom's pretty religious. But almost every kid prays anyway, don't they: "Oh, God, I hope I pass this test". To whom are they talking?

Most of you think I'm being funny. Well, I'm stretching it a bit for humor sake. But you get the point. Follow the basic principles this country was founded upon: belief in God, good morales, decent work ethic, be frugal and respect for your fellow citizens and you'll do well in Mom's 32 years of presidency. If not, you better be wary of a blue '93 Metro in your neighborhood...

Chef Kevin's Mom for President in '08.